Today in my milk crate...

This is the end, my only friend, the end

2006-08-17T23:53:00.000-04:00

Bike mechanics the city over must have known this day was an inevitability. All high and mighty with their mechanical know-how, they would have understood that the milk crate tricks the bicyclist into thinking that her rear rack can bear much more weight than physics will allow.

So what happens to the poor rear rack, after a year of overburdening? It breaks at one of the joints, and because it's made of aluminum, no skilled sauterer can fix the crack. As a result of this foundational flaw, the weight of the milk crate causes one side of the rack to rub against the tire, operating as a really low-functioning (but slowing and irritating nonetheless) brake.

To solve this problem, our heroine removes the milk crate for good, leaving it beside the dumpster outside a friend's apartment in uptown Toronto.

No more milk crate surprises; no more hilarious trash. Farewell, dear readers. Thank you for reading, and may you continue to check in the milk crates of other bicycles around town to further document this phenomenon.

Hell hath broken loose

2006-05-28T17:36:00.000-04:00

Amusingly enough, after the last post about a lack of junk in the milk crate, I checked on it today to find a mess of things. The photo doesn't even show them all, so crammed to capacity was the crate. To make things easier for everyone (and also because there aren't enough lists on this site) I've compiled an itemized list of the contents:

1. One soiled copy of last week's Now.

2. One empty styrofoam cup, of the smallest possible size.

3. One travel size bottle of Scope mouthwash, Cinammon Ice flavour.

4. One paper bag, crushed.

5. One bag of corn nuts.

6. Two mints, still in wrappers.

7. One empty mint wrapper.

8. One cardboard pizza plate, orange in colour.

9. One piece of falafel wrap paper, stained with hot sauce.

C'est tout.

Ho-hum.

2006-05-27T00:42:00.000-04:00

You know, the garbage that people were leaving in the milk crate was a lot more random and entertaining when I wasn't writing about it. It's as though the neighbourhood litterers got wind of this insanely successful blog and decided to stop being quirky, trading empty extravagant champagne bottles for Burger King blueberry pie boxes. Yawn. I for one am bored of this racket, how 'bout you kids?

The stars have aligned

2006-05-19T22:12:00.001-04:00

This last bit of treasure is astrologically appropriate -- it's a flyer for Virgo Beauty Salon. They specialize in "all types of hair" and are currently looking for a part-time barber. Part-time barber I am not, but virgo I am. I should start getting my hair cut there, right? That would only make sense. They've also got a "discount special on treatment and colour," whatever that means. I don't really know what these treatments are, but maybe they're for hair types other than my own.

Anyway, this flyer made it into my milk crate, despite the presence of several other bikes with milk crates and classier baskets in the vicinity. It's as though the litterer knew.

647-280-9699

2006-05-06T22:20:00.000-04:00

So he’s walking down Bloor on a sunny Friday afternoon, and he thinks to himself, “Man, I really could go for a cigarette right about now.” Reaching into the inner pocket of his vest (he is nothing if not hobo-chic) he pulls out his pack of DK’S, that “full flavor Canadian blend” that spells flavour the American way, despite being emblazoned with a Canadian flag. Opening the pack he grabs the last cigarette, lights it, and begins smoking.

But what to do with that empty pack? Oh, here comes the answer—toss it into the milk crate of that bike parked in front of the market. This corner is missing a garbage can after all.

And that’s how the crate ended up with this last memento. Unfortunately for the unknown smoker, however, there was a phone number written on the back of the empty pack. Although not formally trained in the art of handwriting interpretation, I can say one thing with certainty: it looks like a girl’s writing. So it seems dude has lost out: from the way she curves the two circles of her ‘8’s, I’d guess she’s fairly attractive.

Empty coffee cup, part two

2006-04-17T21:21:00.000-04:00

The one thing that has been somewhat consistent about the milk crate's interaction with the city at large has been the fact that strangers often remove the garbage from the milk crate before I get the chance to. (Don't believe me? You clearly haven't been reading regularly. See the following for proof: "Back in black!" "And who will clean the milk crates?" comments to "Looks like garbage but it feels like..." and "New gifts for 2006!")

With this trend in mind, I thought nothing of it when an empty coffee cup landed, mouth down, on the post to which the bike gets locked. "It'll disappear soon enough," I thought, "there's no need for me to pick it up and throw it out."

I could not have been more wrong. Just take a look at the photo. There's the empty coffee cup. It's been hanging out for several weeks now. Other bikes have come and gone, garbage day has come and gone, but it's proving to be a stubborn loiterer.

A letter? For my milk crate?

2006-04-12T12:52:00.000-04:00

A folded bit of correspondence landed in the crate the other day. I don’t receive a lot of mail that isn’t a bill of some kind or other, so I was a little excited by this. Of course (much like the recent Tim Horton’s cup) it was a bit of a disappointment. Not exclusively addressed to me, it turned out to be an odd poster sort of thing. The photos don’t exactly do it justice, so here is a transcription of what it says:

Thank god, (AT THE RISK OF HAVING YOUR HEAD CUT OFF)
Our Soldiers are dying in
afghanistan to restore their right
to kill christians. Good thing.
[photo]
CAN YOU SAY “RED-BUTTON-TIME”? I KNEW YOU COULD.

(Oh, and for the record, the all-caps text was handwritten, also in all-caps. I modified nothing.)

This post is not illustrated.

2006-03-22T00:22:00.000-05:00

Alright, there really hasn't been much action. This morning, an empty Tim Hortons cup, lid and all. I'd really like to say that I didn't roll up its rim to check for a donut or coffee prize, but that would be a lie. Not so surprisingly, it was a loser. I subsequently threw it away.

We all know what they look like, so no photo this time.

Back in black!

2006-03-13T21:46:00.000-05:00

Alright, after many weeks of no milk crate and sadness, I return to bring you news. The milk crate has been reattached to the bicycle that is now functioning. Hurray.

No new presents as of yet, but there is a little story I have to tell.

The other day, a friend of mine thought it would be outrageously funny if he left a bag of burnt microwave popcorn in the milkcrate. I noticed it on my way out the next day, figured it had probably come from him, and went on my merry way. Fine. So far, pretty banal. However, coming home late that night, I took a peek into the milkcrate and saw that the popcorn was gone. Someone had taken it. Maybe to eat, but I hope not. Because burnt microwaveable popcorn is one of the most hideous things. No longer at all edible.

Even the milk-crate-less-bike draws the drinkers

2006-02-16T23:13:00.000-05:00

Here is a bike. Beside it sit some boxes waiting for pick-up. In front of those boxes is an empty vodka bottle. If there were a milk crate on the back of the bike, the vodka bottle would be inside of it. This is a sad day for the milk crate, which is currently lying, overturned, in the corner of a room.

Milk crate blog goes on hiatus

2006-02-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

So this post may be a little on the superfluous side -- really, how many people are reading about the milk crate who aren't also in communication with me semi-regularly and aware of events that befall me and my bicycle? -- but it's being written anyway.

The milk crate is currently inside, as the bike needs some work done and the sidewalk in winter is not really the greatest place to do this. (Not to mention the fact that this work gets done sporadically and involves much swearing and frustration. The high schoolers across the road really don't need to see any more of that.) I really don't think people are in the habit of breaking into apartments to deposit their refuse in milk crates, so there will be a lack of updates for a little while.

And of course, after the bike eventually returns to the great outdoors, there's no guarantee that anything worth noting will appear right away. But be patient friends. Be patient.

This post has little to do with milk crates.

2006-02-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

But it is somewhat related, as it has to do with the malicious vandalism that recently befell my extremely neglected, rusted bicycle.

If you scroll down to the first post of this blog, you will see a picture of the bike in more or less its entirety. Pay close attention to the top of the right handlebar. You should see what looks kind of like a ladybug. That was what my bell used to look like. The above photo gives a very clear idea of what it looks like now. There is no cute (some might even be tempted to say whimsical) ladybug covering.

Someone has stolen the ladybug bit. Someone has stolen the ladybug bit and I can't understand why.

Juicycake!

2006-01-25T23:48:00.000-05:00

Well friends, we've got ourselves a theme -- citrus!

"Juicycake" is some kind of chocolate orange cake thing, ostensibly imported from an eastern European country, as the baked goods Honest Ed charges 99 cents for tend to be. This milk crate littering is a new way of advertising, I think. Because right about now, I could really go for some orange chocolate packaged cakes. Mmmm...

Copycat Littering

2006-01-23T19:18:00.000-05:00

Not 100 m south of our favourite milk crate sits another milk crate, attached to a bike equally as rusted as mine. This milk crate is red. This morning, passing by it on my way to vote, I looked in and to my surprise saw -- you guessed it -- orange peels, roughly the same size and shrivelled to the same degree as those in my milkcrate. I seem to remember an empty cigarette pack there as well, du maurier or some other red brand, but that might just be fanciful misremembering.

Oh, and

2006-01-22T18:54:00.000-05:00

here's the competition!

The wonders of vitamin C

2006-01-22T18:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, so the glare created by flash hitting bike rack might obscure today's treasures, but they're there anyway. One cigarette pack (empty), Belmont Milds. This one has the health caution of monkey see, monkey do and is accompanied by a photo of two particularly sheep-like kids looking out at the camera for a role model. Beside this sit several scraps of orange peel, slightly shrivelled.

And who will clean the milk crates?

2006-01-18T22:56:00.000-05:00

Not me, apparently. This morning the milk crate was empty, the scraps of paper and 'Brush Ups' wrapper long gone. I'd like to think it was some kind of fairy in the night, under the cover of darkness and all that. Much like that shoemaker and those elves.

In other news, my roommate informed me that an actual garbage can has been installed half a block north of the milk crate. I worry that people will stop leaving things in the crate now that there's a proper garbage receptacle about, but I suppose we shall have to wait and see.

Looks like garbage but it feels like...

2006-01-16T00:18:00.000-05:00

something of a little more substance?

The latest 'gifts' include an Oral B 'Brush Ups' wrapper and a note that appears to have had some kind of phone number (who knows, maybe even an address) written on it before it was meticulously torn into tiny scraps.

Looks like somebody forgot to brush his/her teeth before arriving at my next-door neighbour's all-night rager. And somebody else picked up the phone number of a potential date whose charm wore thin as the early morning got old. It's a theory, at any rate.

Where it all began

2006-01-09T20:33:00.000-05:00

Back in the early fall, my milk crate began receiving some bizarre gifts. After weeks of being stuffed with nothing more than the banal waste of passing strangers (in the form of empty pop cans and crumpled fast food wrappers), a styrofoam take-out container appeared one evening. In it was a rather large piece of half-eaten cake. Chocolate with whipped vanilla icing. (This happened suspiciously close to my own birthday, but I refrained from indulging. If somebody had wanted to leave me a piece of birthday cake, the doorstep would have been a more logical place to put it. And if it was intended as a gift, it probably wouldn't have been half-eaten.)

Not long after this, on the morning of September 28, 2005, I arrived at my bike only to find an empty bottle of Dom Perignon in the milk crate. The bottle was accompanied by the gold-embossed forest green box it came in and a promotional booklet about 1996, which was apparently the "year of light" for our friends at the French vineyard.

The cork was in there too. The milk crate and bicycle must have had quite the night. Unfortunately I didn't think to take a photo of the post-party mess.

New gifts for 2006!

2006-01-09T20:19:00.000-05:00

Today is Tuesday. It's only the tenth day of the new year, and already our heroic milkcrate has seen a lot of action.

Friday night, on my way home from work at around nine, I noticed a sack of what appears to be cat food placed in the milkcrate. It's heavy, and has caused the bike to become a little off balance. The funny thing about the cat food is that it's not just a straightforward bag of Purina cat chow. Its outer bag is a Purina bag, but inside this is what appears to be a sack of Equality (aka Dominion's version of the no-name brand) catfood. The presence of double sacks worries me, and I have the sneaking suspicion that this double-bagged parcel is filled with cat shit or something equally offensive.

Sunday afternoon, I noticed a half-empty 750 mL bottle of Absolut vanilla vodka that had joined the "catfood." In fact, it might have been more like two-thirds full, but I still abstained; the Absolut bottle is missing from the photographs only due to the spendthriftiness of someone else who absconded with the booze sometime last night.